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Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy aka Bram Stoker's Legend of the Mummy 2 (1999)
Tonight's Feature Presentation

ANCIENT EVIL: SCREAM OF THE MUMMY (1999)

Starring: Trent Latta, Jeff Peterson, Ariauna Albright, Russell Richardson, Michael Lutz, Anton Falk

Written By: Matthew Jason Walsh (also story), David DeCoteau (story) Directed By: David DeCoteau

The Short Version

Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy is a microbudget legend.

It used to be #1 on the IMDB’s “Bottom 250” list; does that tell you anything?

Don’t worry if it doesn’t make any sense; the cast will keep trying to explain it all for you throughout the movie.

There is just nothing good happening here.  Nothing at all.

If you dare to call yourself a “bad movie connoisseur,” this flick is your Challenge of Doom: Go Bad or Go Home!


The Long Version

What Kind Of Cheese Is It?

E-Z CHEEZ.

It’s cheap crap in a spray can that some charlatan wants you to think is real cheese, at least until you’ve finished paying for it.  Known to cause projectile vomiting after consumption.


Pairs Well With...

MAD DOG 20/20, CHASED DOWN WITH MILWAUKEE'S BEST ICE.

That’s right; this flick’s so bad that it takes two kinds of cheap crap to wash it down.  First, stuff so nasty that it can be smelled from literally fifty feet away, followed by the unholy monstrosity that is Beast Ice.    The bottle and the 30 pack together should cost under fifteen bucks, which is roughly the production budget for this movie.

“I was right!  It is that not so fresh feeling!”


There are only three reasons to voluntarily watch the butt-numbing, brain-melting mess that is Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy.  (Or, for you Brits, Bram Stoker’s Legend of the Mummy 2, though that title is a massive lie.)


1)  You are that special kind of daredevil / movie going masochist who hears a phrase like “that is the worst crap ever made” and takes it as a personal challenge to witness the devastation for yourself.

2)  You lost a particularly nasty bet, and it’s too late to ask to be covered in mayonnaise and fed to rabid wolverines instead.

3)  You have invited screenwriter Matthew Jason Walsh over to your house, and you would like to see him cry.


Beyond that… forget it, folks.  Even taking its used car budget into account, Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy really is some of the worst crap ever made.  Indeed, it once headed up the Internet Movie Database’s “Bottom 250” list, so it’s not just hype: it’s official!  The screenwriter actually apologized for it.  You will lose brain cells watching this.  I promise.

Oh, shit.  You’re one of those daredevil types, aren’t you?  Yeah, me, too.  All right, then.  Grab some Mad Dog 20/20, and don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Our, um, story begins at an archaeology summer camp held in someone’s living roo- er, on a college campus with ridiculously low admission standards.  It turns out that this year’s campers are extra lucky, because director David DeCoteau has decided to film a male underwear model fashion sho- er, because their advising professor has managed to get hold of the best preserved Aztec mummy ever found, and she and her students get to completely negle- er, study it for an entire week while the school has the honor of being the first stop on the mummy’s world tour!  (Brought to you by Milwaukee’s Best Ice, which, judging by the gut under those bandages, the mummy has spent the past few centuries intimately acquainting himself with.)  Isn’t that exciting?

Hmm… a bunch of horny college kids – plus one virgin – at an “archaeology summer camp” who really couldn’t give a crap less about archaeology get left in charge of an extremely well preserved mummy whose legend states that he was created specifically to bring about the end of the world…  What could possibly go wrong?  (Aside from the fact that you pressed “play,” I mean.)

Oh, right!  One especially horny moron steals the mummy’s amulet to impress a girl!  And the mummy wakes up!  And one of the students is actually a closet Aztec High Priest!  And worst of all, nobody can find any alcohol!  Oh, no!  Will the campers survive?  Of course, even if they do, they might just wind up like the audience and wish they were dead…

Trust me, folks; I just made Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy sound a lot more entertaining than it really is.  This movie is not so bad that it’s good; it’s so bad that it’s bad.  This movie sucks like an atomic vacuum cleaner.  It will stare you down and hollow out your soul like Cthulhu contemplating a snack.  It’s the ultimate carnival sideshow freak: the one you expect to be just some fat guy in a cheap costume – which he is – but who nevertheless makes you cry for months afterward when you think back on what you’ve seen, because the memory is just too soul-crushingly painful to endure.  In fact, I think I can hear the carnival barker now…


COME ONE, COME ALL!  Behold the myth, the legend that is Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy!  A stinker once hailed as the worst of the worst before society collectively agreed that it was best just to forget the abomination altogether!  But now, my friends, we have it right here, waiting for you to press “play”… if… you… dare!

BEHOLD as the esteemed Professor of Archaeology takes every precaution to care for the most valuable Aztec mummy ever discovered, placing it right next to a fireplace upon only the finest of dining tables in a room with no alarm and covering it up with a sheet from the dorms that we desperately hope she washed first!

WAIT!  “Aztec mummy?”  Hmm… yeah, nevermind.

MARVEL at the expansive college campus that of course looks nothing like somebody’s vacation home and which certainly has more than half a dozen rooms to it!

CHECK OUT that spacious auditorium that definitely does not resemble a sun room with a few folding chairs and a podium thrown in!

NOTICE that these are all archaeology students and not acting students!  Notice this very, very often!

LINGER over shots of strapping (and even not-so-strapping) young men in various states of undress while the women stay chastely clothed!  Makes you wonder why no one asked David DeCoteau to direct Twilight, come to think of it… but anyway!

ENJOY a brilliant interview with screenwriter Matthew Jason Walsh after you’re done reading this review!  (Hey, carnival barkers are entitled to self promote!)

WONDER how the guy playing Morris (Michael Lutz) never made it to “Jersey Shore!”  (Why yes, his performance is that annoying!)

UNDERSTAND that director David DeCoteau must hate you, because not only did he cast Trent Latta as the world’s most sniveling villain, but he also insisted that Latta spend way too much time either shirtless or in a cellophane cape getup that seems to have been borrowed from a bad porn flick!

BE AMAZED at the mental focus and telepathic abilities of Ariauna Albright – who in all seriousness is the Laurence Olivier of this film – as she manages not only to deliver her painful dialogue without crying, but also to subliminally send a desperate cry for help out to the audience with every line, begging someone, anyone to please get her the hell out of this stupid movie!  (And if you’ve seen some of the other stuff she’s been in, my friends, that’s saying a lot.)

BE ASTOUNDED by the director’s cheap ass- er, avant garde technique throughout the film!  Focus?  Who needs it!  Fades?  Forget it; that kind of editing costs money!  Jump cuts or nothing!  It’s even said that when he wanted it done next week, he wasn’t kidding, and finished it with the weekend to spare!  Surely, that speaks to a grand artistic vision and the sort of preparation that yields perfect results on the first take every time… right?  Right?

IGNORE the constant flashes of “lightning” throughout the film despite the fact that it never rains and the characters never behave as though they expect it to rain, either!

SEE the shambling wonder known to its unwitting creator as “Beer-Gut the Mummy!”  Capable of shuffling at astonishing speeds approaching five miles a year, this hops-fueled terror is too sexy to ever get blood on his knife, but I’m sure he makes up for it with body odor and halitosis!

BEWARE the thrust of said bloodless knife!  It certainly seems to upset the mummy, which may explain why he often appears to be stabbing pommel first.

CONSIDER how frightening the aforementioned halitosis must be, because the victims of the mummy are universally scared stiff and never, ever try to get away, despite the fact that even the most uncoordinated person on Earth could outdistance this slow-ass mummy even if he or she were using crutches over ice!

DAMN!  That mummy’s ass is huge!  And is it just me, or does it look like he’s wearing “Depends”?

LISTEN to every character of the movie explain everything that they’re doing in exhaustive detail as though they’re reading for a radio play instead of a movie… and then listen to them give the same explanations again and again and again because hey!  It’s a radio play meant to be enjoyed by goldfish!

NOTE that explaining is apparently a substitute for doing!

FACEPALM as the villain spends an eternity spouting off about how everyone picked on him before they realized his secret identity as the Aztec High Priest of Doom!  Hey, Priesty Boy!  You are not Goldfinger, dammit!  Don’t spend an ice age explaining the goddamn laser- er, fat ass mummy and how triggering the Apocalypse is your revenge for growing up with acne issues and having no muscle tone and never getting the attention of any of the hunky football play- er, hot cheerleaders!  Just sacrifice the freakin’ virgin already!  Speaking of…

SUSPECT what you will as Ariauna Albright’s character proclaims over and over and over again that she’s a virgin!  Methinks she doth protest too much…

WAIT A SECOND!  Does anyone actually think that the Aztec High Priest ever got laid in his entire life?  Because if he’s a virgin, then shouldn’t the world be ending anyway?  On second thought, nevermind…

HEY!  You know what?  To quote an anonymous friend of screenwriter Matthew Jason Walsh, “The mummy [doesn’t] even scream!”  Though a case could be made that he kinda farts through his mouth when he dies…

REJOICE that eventually, Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy actually ends!  Sure, the intestinal cramps, sweat-drenched flashbacks, and random bouts of weeping have only just begun, but at least the initial experience of watching the movie is over!

ALAS!  There is not enough cheap beer in the world to make this movie okay, but hey, if you insist on sitting through it anyway, then surely, the cheap beer can’t make the experience any worse…


And like I mentioned earlier, you can’t say that I didn’t warn you.

Bottom line, some movies claim to be the worst crap ever made, but few have actually ever held any sort of official title.  Once upon a time, Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy really did hold the title, and even though much of the world has since chosen to forget, the fact is that this flick deserved it.  It truly is that awful.  And so, for all of you sick people out there who claim to love bad movies as I do, I lay upon you this Mummy’s Curse:

“Whosoever shall claim to be a true connoisseur of bad movies must endure the horrific pain that is Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy, for if one does not, then one just ain’t seen bad movies.”

Mwhahahaha.

You’re all doomed.

Doom Cheez Cinema is now Cinema on the Rocks. Thank you for your support!

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- Reviewed by Ziggy Berkeley, March, 2012


You can email Ziggy at ziggy@cinemaontherocks.com. You can also find us on Facebook.


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